I HAVE TO GO PEE PEE!!!
No, sweets, you don’t have to go pee pee. You just did.
I HAVE TO GO PEE PEE IT’S COMING OUT I HAVE TO GO!!
No. Stop it! You just sat on the potty before you got into the bath, remember? You JUST PEED.
HEEELP!! HEEEELP IT’S COMING OUT I’M PEEING IT’S GOING TO COME OUT WAAAAHHHHHHH (When she’s fake crying she literally says, “Wah!”. I don’t have the heart to tell her I think it’s funny.)
Knock it off RIGHT NOW! (I attempt to grab her dirt-stained arms to wash with the turquoise cloth while she flails all her limbs and starts splashing like an insane person, soaking me.)
THERE’S POOOOOOOOOOOPYYYYYYY! POOPY IS COMING OUT NOW HELP ME WAAAAHH!
OH MY GOD, LOTTE. This is CRAZY. You’re being CRAZY. KNOCK IT OFF RIGHT NOW YOU ARE FILTHY AND NEED A STUPID BATH! (Blood pressure now rising as I envision her future of being laughed at in school for being the greasy-haired kid with flies circling her head and dirt under her nails for every class picture.)
I’M POOOOOOOOPING WAHHHHHH HEEEELP ME WAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!
FINE! FINE! I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU RIGHT NOW! THIS IS CRAZY! GET OUT OF THE BATH NOW I CAN’T TAKE ANY MORE OF THIS SCREAMING STOP IT RIGHT NOW GET OUT! (I grab her out of the bath, wrap her in the oversized towel and plop her on the potty where she proceeds to dry her fake tears, smile at me, and meow like a kitty.)
My daughter is full of shit, and also a genius.
Well played, crazy child currently running with scissors. Well played.