Have you ever seen the book, The Secret Language of Birthdays? It’s this monstrous book of horoscopes that gives each birthday its own two-page spread, touting the weaknesses and strengths of people born on that day. It claims to be “an easy-to-use guide to personality based on psychology, history, numerology, tarot and astrology.”. Many people have looked up their birthdays in this gigantic book and have been pleasantly surprised, entertained or pretty much nonplussed. I’ve seen their reactions with my own eyes, and I’ve read their pages carefully. What never ceases to amaze people, though, is what it says for MY birthday. It is HORRIFYING and I’d like to share some of it with you, because according to this humongous book: I am the worst person on earth.
July 22 — The Day of Occupational Fluctuation
:: What? I don’t know where they’re going with this. I mean, I think I am a pretty kick-ass TCBY shiver-maker/ferris wheel operator/catering waitress/art history slide cataloguer/telemarketer/after-school program coordinator/assistant preschool teacher/office manager/head-hunter assistant/assistant librarian/hostess/boutique manager/accessory buyer/sales girl/day camp office manager/substitute teacher/art teacher.
Born on this day–
- Alexander the Great (He conquered most of the known world before death at 32.—THAT’S RIGHT, BITCHES!)
- Gregor Mendel (Only the founder of modern genetics. No biggie.)
- Oscar de la Renta (swoon!)
- Alexander Calder (Love.)
- Edward Hopper (Meh.)
- Rose Kennedy
- Danny Glover
- Willem Dafoe (You know you’re jealous of this one.)
- Bob Dole (Oh, fuck. How can I have Mama Kennedy AND Dole? Ick. Viagra.)
- Alex Trebek (…even though Pete always beats me at Wii Jeopardy. Just for the record: my remote NEVER WORKS CORRECTLY.)
:: “The Fool”. Excellent.
Here’s the opening line, the FIRST NOTABLE THING that must be said about people born on my birthday:
“Those born on July 22 will have a difficult time keeping their careers on an even keel. They may be blessed with tremendous good fortune, at another time with overwhelming misfortune. They can experience success in what they do for years, only to see if fall apart.”
:: Great. I feel so… uplifted! Optimistic!
“Not infrequently their greatest recognition comes posthumously.”
::So, my ability to build a KILLER castle out of blocks will be highly regarded after I croak? Will there be some sort of scholarship started in my honor, or what?
“Such fluctuations are not limited to their career, but also to their emotional lives as illustrated by the love affairs, marriages, divorces, separations and difficulties of all sorts July 22 people experience.”
:: (Hold on a second, I’m scanning our health insurance site for a therapist.)
“When they are in control of a situation, they appear to be invincible. Yet, even to the strongest of those born on this day, misfortune may come to strike them down at the zenith of their power.”
:: I’m not making this up. My shit is SO DIRE.
“Because they are so thoroughly convinced of the correctness of what they are doing, they may fail to notice those little signs of impending disaster…”
:: …but I’m always right, so whatever.
“Another difficulty is that they have a hard time dealing with their aggressions… Repression of their more forceful side may lead to explosive and unpredictable outbursts. It may be asking a lot of mates, friends and children to allow for such a temperament.”
:: Suck it. I will cut you.
“Those born on the 22nd of the month are ruled by the number 4, and by the planet Uranus. People ruled by the number 4 have their own way of doing and seeing things. Because they so often take the opposing point of view with great self-assurance they sometimes arouse antagonism and make enemies.”
:: Now, I know I don’t have any enemies- not at all! Wait, except for that one guy, no wait, two guys…and I guess that lady. Hate them.
“Those born on July 22 are likely to face serious psychological problems…”
:: (Throws the stupid book across the room and makes a bloody mary.)