I am a terrible mother, or so I have been led to believe in countless message boards, email threads, mommy groups and blog posts. I am a terrible mother according to many women. I have been called selfish, irresponsible and even guilty of child abuse. One woman, childless at the time, pointedly told my husband that I clearly “didn’t have a desire to bond with my daughter”. I have been told that my daughter is likely to become obese, riddled with allergies and ear infections, and she will become a junk food fiend. I have been told that I have stunted my daughter’s intellectual growth and she will fail to reach crucial milestones. I have been told that my daughter is more likely to grow up to become a drug addict, and that I should have reconsidered even becoming a parent.
I didn’t breastfeed my daughter. I just couldn’t.
It’s not that I couldn’t physically perform the act of breastfeeding, because I’m sure I could have worked it out with the help of throngs of neighborhood La Leche resources and supportive women. I’m sure I could have experienced the thrill of achieving the perfect latch and I would have relished every tender, nourishing moment, but I didn’t. I couldn’t.
I couldn’t breastfeed my daughter because I wanted so badly to be a good mother, but the crushing insomnia I suffered for the entire 9 months of pregnancy were making me unfit to be such a mother. I couldn’t breastfeed my daughter because I suffered from debilitating, panic-inducing anxiety for my entire pregnancy after being weaned off of anti-anxiety medications while trying to conceive. I couldn’t breastfeed my daughter because the pregnancy was so trying on my skinny frame that excruciating pelvic separation rendered me literally unable to walk without agonizing pain. I couldn’t breastfeed my daughter because I didn’t have the glowing, delicious pregnancy you read about in the all-natural birthing books, and I felt lost, terrified and guilty. I couldn’t breastfeed my daughter because my delivery was so traumatic that I am still having nightmares about it 3 and a half years later. I couldn’t breastfeed my daughter because when I took that first peek into her gigantic, vulnerable eyes, my heart overflowed with love but my brain filled with crippling fear and self-doubt, and I worried.
I worried my anxiety would carry into the postpartum period. I worried I would have a panic attack while out in public with this tiny, fragile being. I worried that my overtired, hallucinating mind would be unfit to care for this most precious gift: and that worry was of the soul-crushing kind, so I made a choice.
I MADE A CHOICE. For MY family. For MY daughter. Not YOURS. I made a choice to be the best mother I could be for MY CHILD.
When LJ was born I joined a local mom’s group that was organized by birth month and year. LJ was colicky and I was a train wreck, but the frantic email exchanges we all shared were comforting in those first 3 months. Still reeling from the “new” and the exhaustion, we had yet to meet up as a group in person, but this cyber gathering of roughly twenty women became a much-needed support system. A camaraderie that every new mother needs. I relished checking my inbox during those brief moments of peace and quiet, when the baby was swaddled up in my wrap and sleeping soundly, and I was afforded the opportunity to chat with grown-ups. One day, I casually mentioned the fact that I wasn’t breastfeeding LJ, and the emails suddenly stopped. Just like that, my support system was gone.
I had been quietly and swiftly removed from my local mommy group. Poof!
You know what’s funny? My daughter, age 3 and a half:
- is as confident and independent as she is loving and compassionate towards others.
- blew through every baby and toddler milestone way ahead of time.
- is a healthy weight; has never set foot in a fast food restaurant and gobbles fistfuls of kale.
- has never had an actual ear infection.
- is not allergic to anything. Not one thing.
She is my little ray of sunshine and love and happiness and NOT because of what I fed her for one year of her life, but because of how I am raising her: because of the values I instill in her mind and the hugs I dole out every minute. It KILLS me that I feel driven to defend myself and prove to anybody how amazing my child actually is.
So, to all the moms who have vocally and virtually condemned my mothering choices: I’m sad for you. I’m sad for you and worried for YOUR children, because if you, as an adult, find it so simple to bully, judge and hurt other women so effortlessly: what kind of values are you instilling upon YOUR kids? You’re mean.
Oh, and to the moms who kicked me out of the local Park Slope parenting group for not breastfeeding?
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63 Comments
I LOVE YOU FOR WRITING THIS!!!! There is no shame- just love.
xoxo
Here! Here!
I couldn’t either, because of all the heart meds I was on. I had severe complications AFTER the twins were born. But I still bonded. I still loved. And my boys are doing fantastic!
xx
Oh, complications AFTER delivering twins must have been SO hard. Good for you for making the choice to take care of your own health, first. You need that to be a good mom, you know?
This is nothing short of fabulous. *Applause*
I am a HUGE believer in women doing what is right for THEIR baby and THEIR family. You know what? I only breastfed my son for 2 weeks before I decided I’d totally had it and needed some rest. My husband and I decided that I would pump and we’d move him to a bottle so that he could help me with middle of the night feedings, etc.
Two days after we started that, my $300 Medela pump died. My choice was to either go back to the boob or break down and buy formula. We went with formula. And like your daughter, my son is smart, healthy, and totally well-adjusted.
For the life of me, I don’t understand why women can’t just support each other and honor each other’s choices instead of cutting each other down. It’s sad.
This post actually gave me hope that maybe there are more honest, accepting women out there. Wish I’d had you in my mom’s group!
I wish I had more supportive women like you in my neighborhood, also!
I had problems with breastfeeding (bad latch, infection in nipples, horrible pain) and weighing all things most importantly my ability to be happy and calm and well rested and wanting to pass positive feelings on to my son not stress and anxiety, I stopped breastfeeding at 2 weeks and stopped pumping at 4 months after never having been able to pump all that much. My 3 year old son has no allergies and never had an ear infection and only had a stomach flu once. He’s got my build – naturally skinny. He’s happy, bright and is the most empathetic and sweet natured of all the kids in the sandbox. Thankfully our non-Park-Slope neighborhood’s moms were way cooler (at least to my face) than what you encountered but I too could have really benefited from a support group that was specifically defined as being open minded and accepting of all choices. Or rather, acknowledging moms have choices, period.
Right on, lady! I breastfed both my kids, but I firmly believe in doing what is best for you and your baby. The competition among moms about milestones and who’s doing a better job is exhausting and unnecessary.
By the time they’re adults, nobody will be able to tell who was breastfed and who wasn’t. Do we go around now asking successful adults if they were breastfed, and then treating them like crap if they weren’t? “Oh, sorry Steve Jobs. You weren’t as brilliant because you were formula fed. Fail.” No. Because that’s crazypants. It’s insane for us to treat mothers like that now.
Exactly. I’m pretty sure our mothers didn’t experience this kind of pressure and competition. I mean, christ, we didn’t even use seat belts, much less car seats. I was formula fed and eating steak when i was 5 seconds old. (Not really, but you know what I mean…)
OMG, still can’t believe the lactonazis are still out there! I got crap for not feeding my son the organic, veg diet, keeping him with me 24/7, putting him in holistic private education, letting him play with toy guns (he later learned how to handle both a rifle and a shotgun – thanks Dad and Boy Scouts) yadda yadda yadda.
Guess what? My son is now a 13 year old young man who is self-sufficient, kind and thoughtful. He has a wicked sense of humor too! I am so proud of him, and proud of myself for not caving to the naysayers!
All my love and support to you Stoopmama!
Actually he did public education!
Laura and I fought each other for four months of breastfeeding. One night, I just didn’t have anything in me (literally) for the bedtime feeding. I mixed up a bottle, fingers crossed she would take it, and she fell asleep in my arms. For the first time ever. I cried tears of bonding happiness as her hands fell from the bottle and I lifted her into the crib. It was all formula from that moment on. My daughter is scary smart and absolutely perfect.
Good for you! If feeding your baby is such a struggle that you’re missing out on feeling sane and TRULY being present to bond with your child, then you have to make the right decision for your family. Thanks for the honesty.
It’s true, feeding a bottle is still totally a bonding moment. And with bottles, just looking at an upside not competing to say it’s superior (like the opposing views would do to us) Dad gets to have those bonding moments as well. That’s something my husband really loved.
I love ya Tracy – you tell it like it is!
I couldn’t breastfeed Eva because my milk supply was dried out from the crazy meds they gave me to control my preeclampsia – I felt terrible that I wasn’t able to perform this motherly bonding rite, that I had dreamed about and looked forward to…..
By the time Jack was born three years later, I didn’t breastfeed him either…..by choice.
It is a CHOICE.
Both my children are no worse for having been fed formula, and I certainly enjoyed watching the joy on other people’s faces when they were able to share in the pleasure of feeding the baby.
So ridiculous that you were treated that way.
You are welcome in my mommy group any day of the week.
xo. That’s a great point, re: the joy on OTHER people’s faces when they were able to feed the baby, also.
Your post is brilliant and (sadly) necessary. And this is also brilliant:
This sums up my frustration (and hope) for womankind (mother-kind?).
Did our parents go through this? I know I was formula fed: times were different, but I wonder if my mother EVER felt the kind of competition we feel today as moms.
hahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! This is great. These freaky bitches who are breast feeding fanatics are so fucking ass backwards I wouldnt listen to them re: anything. When their fat infection riddled zitty kids are shooting up at 15, then maybe they will realize they are dumb ass ignorant bitches who are fucking breast feeding nazis who, I may add, are fat stupid terrified bitches hiding behind their keyboards judging. FUCK em! Always remember, opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.
Ah, yes. Assholes.
When Alexa was born and in the NICU I cried and “bonded” over a hospital rented pump. No warm and fuzzies here. While I ended up being able to breastfeed for almost 2 years, it doesn’t make my choice better than anyone else’s. I had ONE last thing to hold onto after Alexa’s terribly traumatic preterm birth, and hang on I did. It was almost as if all the people telling me to stop trying made me want it more? Who knows.
People need fuck off an let people do what they’ll do, no matter the choice, as long as it’s not hurting anyone. Your daughter is precious, your family is amazing, and you’re all healthier than most people I know in real life, BF’d or not. That’s truly fucked that women who had bonded with you in the first months of all your child’s lives could drop you like that. Maybe they don’t really know what the word means. I hope you found support with others soon after, and I’m happy to be here on the internetz with you now!
So happy to have met you! xo.
I am so sad this happened and so proud of you for posting this. I’ve never been able to understand why women are so damn harsh to each other.
I struggled breastfeeding both boys for different reasons and settled on formula each time and I think they turned out just splendid. With Harper it’s just worked out and I feel blessed thus far. However, I still give her formula when I need to and she is loved just as much as her brothers are and were as infants. I think if someone challenged me like they have you, I’d laugh at them and walk away at this point.
The bigger picture for me as I read you post is that it’s not just about breastfeeding. I’ve seen the issues of parenthood grow and the lines of judgment grow deeper in the sand as my two boys have gotten older.
I’ve been judged, as have countless other moms, for sending my boys to preschool too early, having a part time nanny at one point, running a business, volunteering too many hours, putting ear tubes in ears rather than continuing down the road of repeated antibiotics, challenging the school system when one child’s needs were not met with his disability and the list goes on and on.
Personally, I’ve been judged for having another child, having my brain tumor removed, electing to not have radiation treatments which was completely appropriate & supported by my MD, volunteering my time at the hospital, being honest about my journey with cancer, been judged for what we have and have not shared with the boys about it all and criticized for just about everything in-between.
I’d like to tell you in gets easier and that at some point it stops hurting, but I’d be lying. What does eventually happen is that it’s easier to digest, your skin gets thicker and you get more astute at seeing sincerity in people.
You’ll find, like I have, that you’ll eventually draw a tighter net around those you love and those who give you support and encouragement. You will do what I’ve termed as “weeding out the garden of friendship” and find yourself surrounded by those who may be different in their approach to life and parenting but you share a mutual respect with.
I am so sorry that you have been bullied and beat up by those who clearly have no idea about what true compassion, empathy and respect is about.
Keep your head up, keep doing what you are doing and try your best to ignore the chatter. You are a fine and wonderful mother and never let anyone try to tell you otherwise. There are many ways to live life and parent and I hardly think that anyone has the right to say one is any better than another. It is only for each of us to decide what is right for ourselves and our families.
Hugs.
J- I think about that email you received from the nasty mom of your son’s classmate quite often. It horrifies me how awful mothers can be to one another. Even when I see someone on the subway or at the playground being truly harsh to their child, yelling at them, cursing at them, maybe holding them a little too tightly while being reprimanded: my first impulse is to think “That lady looks like she’s having a tough time.”, because who KNOWS what is happening in their home? My first impression is NOT to mutter “Oh, what a disgraceful mother.”, because we just don’t KNOW why people make the decisions they do.
I’m a super-sensitive cancer and I don’t know if my skin will ever thicken, but I’ll just have to learn to weed out the bad eggs.
My DS is 27 so I was just on the edge of being an abusive Mom for not wanting to bf. I had to argue w/ the nurses then to give me the pills to dry me up. I had been sick, EVERY DAY, 4-5 times PER DAY, for 9 mths!! I still puked the morning I delivered – I had HAD enough!! I didn’t have any meat left on my bones,,, I was exhausted! BUT never too tired to lovingly hold him so tight while feeding him – sometimes from bottle to the next – couldn’t put him down. OH we bonded!
He’s 27 now – tall, smart, handsome and very close to him Mom… SO glad to see I didn’t abuse him after all!
Ugh, you poor thing. Pregnancy sickness is just AWFUL. (Hug)
I love that you posted this, but it makes me sad that you felt like you needed to write such a long explanation for why you didn’t breastfeed. Overzealous lactivists do nothing for the cause other than make those of us who don’t – or worse, can’t – breastfeed feel guilty. Screw them all. I am certain that there are some people who don’t breastfeed because they are selfish/immature people who neglect their kids in a variety of different ways. And most likely, those parents don’t bond as well with their kids because they simply don’t care to. As for the rest of us, we’re doing the best we can with what we’ve got and I can’t imagine anything more stupid than someone deciding that I didn’t bond with my child as much as they did with theirs. Nurturing is nurturing, no matter how it occurs. If we stand side by side with our kids, I am certain you won’t be able to tell who breastfed theirs and who didn’t by the strength of our relationships. On the other hand, if you put our husbands side by side, I can guarantee you that mine (who also had the opportunity to feed and care for our kids) is just as close to them as I am.
True, true true. All of it. There is no WAY you would be able to tell my daughter was formula fed. No WAY.
I’m obsessed with this post. Obsessed.
XOXO. I’m obsessed with every single thing YOU write!
Thanks for this. Very important to get those feelings out there because actually there are so many of us. So many of us that felt so much pressure to achieve that we were unable to get through it. I tried so long, my first daughter almost starved, ended up in hospital at eight weeks, failing to thrive – no surprise when my nipples were split and bleeding and I flinched every time anyone came near me….
So I did a bit of both (bf and formula) after talking to a very helpful, older midwife. Of course, I lost sight of the upwardly mobile ‘friends’ who had all the latest gadgets, gizmos and working breasts… and THANK FUCK for that, frankly. Who wants to compete? life is too short.
Second baby, I did not even try to bf until I was relaxed and she got the odd nugget of breasticle but only a bit. Third baby I bf for six months. They are ALL gorgeous, thriving, happy children, with working brains and, unlike me, are not overweight. They were all fed in a different way for the first six months and they have each grown to be amazing individuals with an interest in life and all it has to offer. Proud? Moi? I reckon.
If it works, it works, if it doesn’t you work round it. Life is so short, children are so precious, relationships fragile (sometimes) and women with small babies can be such arseholes. We should never feel the need to justify the way we sort through a problem, and we should never be judged for asking for help, or finding another way. I LOVE this discussion. xxxxx
Love this. Thanks for commenting. Life IS too short to waste precious time stressing out.
They really did that? Kicked you out because you didn’t breastfeed? That is ridiculous! I wasn’t breastfed and neither was my sister and we are both great! I am so sorry that you had to deal with such a difficult pregnancy and childbirth experience AND had to deal with such ugliness on the other side.
Yep. Secretly and quickly I was just no longer a part of the group. It was as easy as their deleting my email to erase any bonds that may have been forged. Oh well, who needs’em. I guess it made me a little tougher.
I bf both of my beans. And pumped. And it was crazy hard, and I thought all the time about stopping. And I firmly believe that everyone should do exactly what is right for their family – and for them. Each woman is so different. And while I think there are women out there (like with everything else) who make parenting decisions from a selfish place, this one clearly was not – as are many of the decisions to bottle feed – they’re based on the needs of the mother and the child. Which is, really, what’s most important in it all.
Thank you for posting.
Kudos for sticking with breastfeeding even though it was so challenging. I admire women like you for that reason!
I don’t know you. I friend on FB recommended I read your blog. That kicked ass!!
Thanks, Jerry.
Cheers to you for writing this! I’d stand and applaud but I’m at work and it would look funny. My daughter is now 22 and finishing college and a wonderful human being. I breastfed her (it was difficult and painful and took up most of my life because she was so slow) but I would never, ever think it was okay to tell someone else what to do with their body, how to raise their kids or guilt-trip them for doing something different than what I was doing. That “support” group didn’t deserve you and I hope you have since found other support. Your little girl sounds like a wonderful person who will grow up to make this world a bit better and that will be because of you — not because you breastfed or didn’t. Thank you.
Trish
http://www.robertssister.com
caregiving. family. advocacy.
Thank you, Trish. I wish we could all learn to be a *little* bit more accepting of one another’s decisions, even when they differ from our own, don’t you? Ugh.
Wow. That is amazing! I didnt breastfeed because, are you ready for this, I Didnt Want To. I had no desire to. My girls are happy, healthy, brilliant, well adjusted, rarely ever sick, have no allergies and are at or below the 50th percentile for weight. I am a good mom because I am a good mom. People need to mind their own business and respect other people ‘s decisions.
“I am a good mom because I am a good mom.” I hear that!
I hope the posts here are more indicative of female support than what you’ve experienced. I’m horrified by what’s been said/done to you and hope you know that the right people have your back. Great post.
It’s amazing how many women seem to be coming out of the woodwork in support. Perhaps I live in a neighborhood that is overly competitive (who am I kidding… I KNOW I do, but I love it despite the mean moms.). I feel like for every nasty comment I’ve heard or stink-eye that was tossed in my direction while formula feeding in public, there are 3 women that I meet that are simply lovely, dynamic and accepting. I have made terrific friends in this city, but the vitriol spewed towards women who chose not to breastfeed is pretty widespread and intense. As if having a newborn isn’t scary and challenging enough… who wants to deal with nasty moms on top of that?!
Thanks for the visit!
Hi Tracy – this is Pete’s friend, Shifman. This came up in my FB feed and though I am sad this happened to you, I am so happy to see the common nerve you hit. I agree with other commenters – why do we all feel the need to let these lunatics guilt us? Why do we bother even explaining ourselves? I stopped breastfeeding on six-months-to-the-day mark because I chose to. Honestly, the only thing that kept it going for that long was complete, ridiculous, unjustifiable guilt. If I had another, I am not sure I would do it at all. I’ve never heard anyone say, “My mom was awesome. She spent half the day crying in the bathroom, but boy did I have proper nutrition.” Its nonsense.
When I first had my son (like, somewhere around week 4), I found this article interesting. After breastfeeding, pumping, going crazy for what reason I have no idea now, I returned to this and thought, hey, they have more of a point than i even realized. I posted it to a mothers group I belong to, and as you can imagine, I had my ass handed to me.
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2009/04/the-case-against-breast-feeding/7311/
Hey Allison! We’ve come a long way since stuffing raw chickens under hillbilly car seats a zillion years ago in NC. NOT THAT WE EVER DID THAT (or you had a part of it, really).
Yes, I remember that Atlantic article, fondly. I probably even battled people in the comment section. I also remember what I think was Mothering Magazine publishing a rebuttal (before the entire mag folded), and feeling annoyed and shitty all over again. It was fantastic to FINALLY feel as if someone was speaking in defense of my decision, as if I wasn’t alone.
Kudos for making it for 6 months! That is seriously commendable.
This makes me so mad!!! I knew these people were batshit crazy, I just had no idea the extent.
And, while I applaud you for talking about all the reasons you didn’t breastfeed (because it’s so important for those of us who deal with PPD and anxiety to know there are others dealing and to bring these really important issues into the light, especially in how it relates to breastfeeding, but I digress), but that is no one’s effing business,
particularly not the judgies at PSP.
I will add that D was bottle fed because see PPD above, and ironically, where I used to live there was so much more stigma against breastfeeding. But, I nursed P for 21 months, well into my pregnancy with A. And…
D is a perfectly healthy weight, he eats most things you put in front if him, and has had a fever once in his entire life.
P is underweight, he eats literally less than 10 food items, he gets several ear infections a year, and gets random fevers all the time.
So WTF ladies? Aren’t we supposed to have each others’ backs?
I cannot freakin’ BELIEVE they took you off the list.
I laugh to myself, you know, about the stereotype of the Park Slope parent. It makes me giggle because it’s soooooo extreme. But every once in a while I hear something, like this, that makes me realize it’s real.
I used to fantasize about a hidden camera type show where I would wear a fake pregnant belly and walk down the streets of PS smoking a cigarette. Can you imagine the reactions I would get? It would definitely come to physical blows.
Oh, my god. We should do it. Seriously. Sit on the bench outside the Tea Lounge with the fake pg belly smoking a butt during the sing-a-long.
Yeah, I LOVE my neighborhood and I can get very defensive of the mommy hatred… but a lot of it IS real.
Hey Mama!! I’m curious…. With all the comments and love out there for this post, what is the feelings towards the adoption community? 99% of us can not BF, and from the outside you can not tell my child is adopted, so I would most likely get the stink eye too or get kicked out of a your parenting group. It upsets me bc I feel these mothers r so fucking clueless!!! My Lil S has such a wonderful life bc of my husband and I regardless if she was formula fed.
It is hard for the adoption community. A lot of the mothers struggle with the topic. It’s one more thing we don’t get to “experience.” Regardless if IVF worked or not, I wouldn’t b able to BF bc of my colitis meds and my anxiety meds.
It’s just such a complex topic and throughout all the comments I noticed besides me… Nobody else adoption . Any other opinions out there?
I’ve often thought of creating a website for moms who chose not to breast feed. Its absolutely absurd the way I was treated even in the hospital by nurses who I thought are supposed to be trained to be compassionate regardless of your choices. I chose to atempt breastfeeding with both of my children. With my first i struggled in the hospital and the nurses made me feel like I was doing something wrong when I chose to supplement with formula. I lasted with breastfeeding about 3 weeks with Ella and ended up getting a terrible infection in both breasts that rendered me useless with a 104 fever. Some of my closest friends made me feel like I was a piece of shit for not continuing to breast feed at that point. My son was born almost 2 months early. That is a scary nightmare to begin with. One I don’t wish on my worst enemy. He HAD to be given preemie formula but again I tried to breastfeed as well and “failed”. Again I was made out to be a demon by friends (or possibly now people I realize are not so much friends as they are judgemental associates). And nurses again. So much pressure to breast feed! My daughter is now a little over 2 and has scored verbally and developmentaly at a 4 year old level!! Omg how is that possible when she was formula fed!!?? Insane. My son is not as developmentally quick as she was but that is because he was so early but I’m told he will catch up and I know that he is a fat little hippo and healthy as an ox. I hate judgemental moms. Whatever I chose to do for my children is MY choice. As long as I’m not hurting them. So if I chose to co sleep or not co sleep. Breast feed or not breast feed I don’t give a shit what anyone says.
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It’s your baby, your body, your choice. NO ONE can judge you. NO ONE.
The flipside of things? Which is really fucked up? I breastfed my son for 18 months, and I’ve had people look at me incredulously when I tell them, yes I’m STILL breastfeeding him even though he’s walking, talking and you know, a toddler. How is it any of their beeswax? It drives me insane.
Good on you for standing up for yourself.
Um . . . what the fuck?
My girl will be 15 [15!! How did that happen?] in a few weeks and nursing wasn’t in the cards for us, yet she’s an amazing person and HEALTHY and brilliant. I think it was the steroids I added to her formula.
I can’t even imagine the horror of having to deal with the judgment and bitchiness of those women on top of already feeling miserable and like the walking dead. [Ah, motherhood, full of good times.]
Fuck those bullies, for real.
[here via Quasi Agitato]
I am not a mom yet, and sadly I have heard so many depressing stories like this from my friends (“I have to have a C-section – I’m already a bad mother!” ummm what?!).
I wasn’t breastfed because my Mom wanted to share 24/7 feeding pretty much equally with my Dad. She felt that was better parenting, better for the marriage, etc. I doubt she ever really considered breastfeeding. That was in the 70′s – can you imagine dropping that reason on PSP today? She’d be run out of town!
This post is great, and as you already know, your daughter will be fine, as I am.
Thank you for writing this.
I should have stopped breastfeeding my daughter and turned to formula, but I didn’t. The pressure was too great. So instead, I spent 10 whole months in a crippling depression that kept me from bonding with my beautiful little baby girl. I hid in the bathroom. I cried. I cursed my unfamiliar body. I was desperate for her to just grow, to just get bigger, so we could be done with the breastfeeding. I sat on the toilet in the airplane-sized bathroom at work, pumping and pumping so my child would get a perfect score on her SATs. I was a prisoner to my boobs. And I was emotionally crushed.
I finally sought help from my doctor, got back on my antidepressants and gave my girl a bottle full of formula which she took without resistance.
She is now a spunky 3 1/2 year old who I love more than life itself. And I share my story with anyone who will listen because I am sick of the judgemental standards that some freakish mothers use to rate each other.
Huzzah to you for singing it loud, sister.
Huh, WTF ? They kicked you out of the group for this? Unbelievable.
I loved loved your post. And, as someone said above, you don’t need to justify yourself in any way.
I do live in the neighborhood, we should definitely have coffee sometimes. (And maybe a cigar with a baby bump, haha). You have my email
You are a wonderful mother because you made the right decision for your child, yourself and your family. You don’t have to justify that to anyone. Ever.
I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU!!! LOL I wish I was on my laptop and not my phone so I could write all I really want to…. But, I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for this post and for your honesty. Thank you for FINALLY making me ok with a decision to stop breast feeding. I’ve been carrying around guilt for nine years and today I have a freedom because of your words!!! So, thank you!!! You have just touched my life because of your experience… You have made my life a little better. You have given me a gift greater than I could ever justify with words!!
I’m late to this party, uncertain how I stumbled here but I just have to say HALLELUJAH, PREACH, SISTER!
I only wish I’d not tried as hard as I did to BF for 3 months. I did it out of fear of the type of awful, insidious and overwhelming INSISTENCE that we BF our children regardless of what that means for our mental state, health and well being and the family as a whole. I was a fucking MESS for three months. BF’ing and simultaneous having a panic attack and puking into a bucket held by my husband at 4:30 am.
The tit shaming going on with the pro-BF’ing movement is so fucked: they (BF’ing mamas) still try to claim the minority but as such they’ve claimed a sense of superiority and derision for those of us who can’t or won’t choose what they choose.
I wish I’d known you then. I have a 31/2 year old and she sounds JUST like yours. She walked before any kid in my mommy group (many of whom were months older) at 8 months, spoke in full sentences first, reads, writes, draws, rarely is ill, no allergies, no ear infections and is pretty amazing when she isn’t being a sassy brat. Yes, formula REAAAAAALLLY fucked her up, she’s definitely not getting into St. Ann’s now!
I also wish I’d known you then because you’d have been MORE than welcomed into my diverese mommy group of BF’ing mamas, formula mamas, those who chose to do both and everything in between. Fuck those judge-y bitches. I hope in retrospect they feel disgusted with themselves as their children get older and they realize motherhood isn’t about defining others’ choices it’s about supporting one another as mothers, commiserating and lots of coffee tawk. Bitches!
I couldn’t breastfeed my first son because I had such sever post partum depression that I needed heavy doses of medication to keep myself from jumping off a bridge. You know what makes a woman with PPD who feels like a terrible mother feel even BETTER? Other moms telling her she’s a terrible mother for using formula.
I wrote this about it last year when my son was four: http://nonabrooklyn.com/confessions-part-2-what-you-never-expect-when-youre-expecting/
Now he’s 5. He’s healthy, he’s brilliant, he reads and writes, and more importantly, he’s incredibly kind to other people. Something that, unfortunately, many women still aren’t capable of in adulthood.
The most important thing we can do for our children is to love them with all our hearts, and show them how to love and respect other people by our own example. ((hugs))
Therein lies your problem….Should be living in Bay Ridge where most mothers and parents are progressive without being judgmental. Get thee out of Park Slope…only good for food and even that you can find in BR now…
-Mama who used to live in BR and now lives in Bayside, NY-
@Marcia, I’m not sure who you are commenting to, the author or Allison or me but Allison and I DO live in Bay Ridge! It is FAR MORE accepting here regarding choices but I still got a few side eyed glares when whipping out the formula instead of the boob.